On March 30th, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley said, “You pick and choose your battles. And when we’re looking at this, it’s about changing up priorities and our priority is no longer to sit and focus and getting Assad out.”
But that’s back when Trump and Putin looked like this:
Since Trump and Putin had their tiff and broke up things have been teste to say the least.
A source inside the White House told us, “Our fight was huge. Big league. He kept coming to Mar-a-Lago, drinking all the vodka in the mini-bar, and then he’d pass out and pee in the bed. I told him I didn’t like sleeping in puddles but he wouldn’t listen.”
At our sources request, we aren’t mentioning his name. Since then Trump has gone on a rampage, bombing Syria, taking on Russian war ships, and sending a strike force to North Korea. He recently tweeted that he’s going to attack Egypt.
Today Ambassador Haley said, “So they [Putin] now have to answer for this! How can they with a straight face cover for Assad, because if they’re covering for Assad then what are they really saying!?…There’s a lot of answers that need to come from Russia [Putin].”
She went on to say that regime change in Syria is a top priority.
Putin put out a statement saying, “I’m sorry my love that I broke your heart but it’s over. Please move on.”
Moscow – A Secret Service agent stepped forward this evening with a shocking new picture taken with her secret service spy camera. She claims the picture was taken in Moscow when she accompanied Trump and she says the figure on the right is Putin.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes so I took a picture to make sure. Putin arrived human but took off his human skin like taking off a costume. I’m afraid we’re now being run by aliens. I’m not just afraid for my country, I’m afraid for my planet.”
In response to press inquiries, Kellyanne Conway said, “Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that.”
Richard Spencer, Trump supporter, then gave an interview in support of Trump but it didn’t go well. A real human decided to take matters into his own hands and took out Spencer.
Once it was revealed that aliens ran the U.S. and planned to take away women’s rights, protests started around the country.
Trump now takes office as the most disliked president ever but he seems to be taking it in stride. Trump said, “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.” As it turns out, he himself is reported to wear a BRO designed by Cosmo Kramer to raise his looks score. Whether wearing a BRO will enhance his presidency is yet to be seen.
Reported by Lolita Rochelle Rochelle. Location: Minsk, (soon to be) Russia – Explosive new information has been released by U.S. intelligence communities today. Putin is holding damning information over the head of the President-elect Donald Trump. Information that can put Trump behind bars for many lifetimes. This leads many to believe Trump will do anything Putin orders no questions asked. Many major news outlets have broken the story.
A Trump operative whose seen the report says it’s all true. Some of the major damning evidence is around Trump’s sexual proclivities towards children. Some of this is already public information.
But what most people don’t know is Trump has actually been arrested as a sexual predator in Russia according to the Trump operative.
It’s been discussed that Trump has a sexual interest in his daughter Ivanka but now a Trump operative claims Putin has much worse pics of Trump and his daughter when she was just 10 years old. The worst of those pics have yet to be released.
According to the Trump operative Ivanka wasn’t the only child Trump had eyes for.
The Trump operative claims that Trump even had his sexual conquests from a few years back campaigning for him.
And that Trump’s interests weren’t only with girls.
Most people believe Trump’s pics will remain concealed by Putin due to their close relationship.
We’ve requested an official comment from the Trump administration but their only response at this time has been “nyet”.
Moscow – A Trump staffer released a statement while in Moscow today. It stated the United States of America will now be known as the United States Soviet Republic or USSR.
At the same moment, Putin appeared on Russian TV announcing that Russia will change back to their old name United Soviet Socialist Republic or USSR.
At Trump Tower, the press is demanding a statement from Trump to clarify what this all means. The doorman came out with a piece of paper that simply read, “A new beginning.”