Latest Event Updates

DISASTER! Skynet Fails to Boot, Trump Has Taken Power

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Pentagon – Before the inauguration, taking the advice given to him by Biden, Obama attempted to boot up Skynet in order to protect the U.S. from Trump and his cabinet. We now know that the attempt failed and Trump has taken power.

Screenshots of the attempt show us what happened. The system seemed to boot up normally at first.

It completed syncing across the entire U.S. military network.

Then the Windows’ blue screen of death appeared.

Apparently Windows wasn’t stable enough to handle the advanced system. One of the designers told us, “the system was originally designed for UNIX. Microsoft paid us millions to run it on their system. I told everyone to remember what happened to Nokia when they put all their mobile phones on Windows but no one would listen. Now Trump is president. Go figure.”

A Trump staffer said, “It’s those damn Intelligence Chiefs. First the dossier, now this. First thing we do is fire those bastards and put Arnold [Schwarzenegger] in charge. He was great in Kindergarten Cop and he’ll be great here too.”

No word yet on Obama’s impending deportation.

Biden Urges Obama, TURN ON SKYNET! Stave Off Trump Presidency

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By John Connor | Glen Burnie, MD | July 4, 2032

Occording to an anonymous source at the White House, at 2:39 AM this morning Biden woke up Obama and ushered him into a conference room. It’s there that he made his case. Biden urged the president to turn on Skynet in the hopes that the system will do what the Electoral College didn’t dare. Stave off a Trump presidency.

Skynet is the latest military program to be recently completed. The system was developed by Cyberdyne Systems Corp., a company mostly owned by Berkshire Hathaway, Warren Buffett’s organization. 

Costing taxpayers $986B, there has been some debate over the risks of turning the system on. The system consists of not only computer systems but also self run weapons systems that don’t require a human to control them like drones do. 

“Joe believes that, because the human element is removed from the system, Skynet will come to the logical conclusion that Trump, his cabinet, and his Russian contacts pose too great a threat to the country to allow him to become president. Joe believes the system will keep control in Obama’s hands. But there is some debate over if it will hand back control at all.”

Obama is considering Biden’s request and will make a decision by midnight January 19th. 

UPDATE: Should Obama Turn on Skynet? Click here to vote on Twitter!

TRUMP EXPOSED! Mystery of Hair Finally Revealed

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Hollyweed, CA – An explosive new book by a close friend of the Reagans, Bonzo, who starred with Ronnie in the movie Bedtime for Bonzo, exposes why Trump’s hair is the way it is today. 

Back during the Reagan presidency, Nancy used to host fundraising parties at their ranch Rancho del Cielo, also known as Heaven’s Gate or Heaven’s Ranch. Nancy would invite “suckers who donate” and that included Donald Trump.

At one party, according to Bonzo, Trump got a bit grabby with Nancy. The next day Nancy consulted with her astrologer, Joan Quigley, at the Irana Contra Cafe in D.C. Joan suggested that the stars can put a curse on Trump’s looks. Since Trump wasn’t a particularly good looking man, Nancy chose his hair. Apparently, Joan’s curse is still working today.

And now you know…the rest of the story. Good day.

TRUMP ILLICIT SEX PICS! Putin Blackmails Trump, FBI Says

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Reported by Lolita Rochelle Rochelle. Location: Minsk, (soon to be) Russia – Explosive new information has been released by U.S. intelligence communities today. Putin is holding damning information over the head of the President-elect Donald Trump. Information that can put Trump behind bars for many lifetimes. This leads many to believe Trump will do anything Putin orders no questions asked. Many major news outlets have broken the story.

A Trump operative whose seen the report says it’s all true. Some of the major damning evidence is around Trump’s sexual proclivities towards children. Some of this is already public information.

But what most people don’t know is Trump has actually been arrested as a sexual predator in Russia according to the Trump operative.

It’s been discussed that Trump has a sexual interest in his daughter Ivanka but now a Trump operative claims Putin has much worse pics of Trump and his daughter when she was just 10 years old. The worst of those pics have yet to be released.

According to the Trump operative Ivanka wasn’t the only child Trump had eyes for.

The Trump operative claims that Trump even had his sexual conquests from a few years back campaigning for him.

And that Trump’s interests weren’t only with girls.

Most people believe Trump’s pics will remain concealed by Putin due to their close relationship. 

We’ve requested an official comment from the Trump administration but their only response at this time has been “nyet”.

Trump to change a lot of Obama’s actions on day one, top aide says

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Mar-a-Lago – During the New Year’s party, a very drunk Trump top aide had many things to say about changes Trump will make on day one.

“First of all, day one is going to be huge. The greatest. Big league. We’re going to do things completely different than Obama. We’re finally going to bury the hammer and sickle with Russia. We’re talking about world peace here. We’re going to close Gitmo. Damned if I know why Obama didn’t do it but we’re going to get it done. We’re raising the Federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. Yes we are. And we’re putting an end to police shooting unarmed citizens. There’s no excuse for it. The police aren’t executioners. Everyone deserves a trial.”

When asked why Trump would do these things his drunk top aide said, “For Christ’s sake, he said he was a Democrat years ago. Republican voters are idiots.”

The assistant to the top aide whispered, “He’s drunk. He’s messing with you. Trump is only going to help out the billionaires. Everyone else is screwed.”