Latest Event Updates

It’s about Time

Posted on Updated on

Staci Bernard

The polar ice caps are melting. Measles and mumps are on the rise. Innocent bears are accused of threatening school children. What’s a scientist to do?

Pat Kearney and Riley Morgan, physicists at Calford University have an idea: time travel. “Eighties fashion is back,” noted Kearney, “and so is fifties legislation. That got me thinking. . . .”

“Not to mention the Back to the Future marathon,” added Morgan. “I notice something new every time I see those movies!”

Unlike other areas of science, quantum physics seems to have stayed under the Trump administration’s radar, so to speak. “We haven’t worked out all the details,” said Morgan, “but when we do, they’ll be big league!”

The more subdued Kearny added, “Now that humanities and arts budgets are being cut, we won’t get as much flack as usual. ‘This is why you shouldn’t clone dinosaurs.’ ‘This is why you shouldn’t make a human being out of parts of other human beings.’ We couldn’t do anything without some movie or book or philosopher or theologian spoiling our fun. Now though. . . .”

Now, though, only time will tell. 

Executive Order! Women & Muslims Can’t Vote. Trump Declares Prohibition Over!

Posted on Updated on

WCTU, December 5, 1933, Realitybites, OZ – 

President Donald J. Trump made history today signing an Executive Order banning Muslims and women from voting. After the signing he declared Prohibition over.

Immediately white men packed bars and ran to the passing beer trucks in an effort to get extremely drunk.

They quickly spent their wives entire paychecks and drove home drunk to beat their wives.

Women reacted quickly running out to protest the Executive Order and then go shopping. When their debit and credit cards declined they protested again.

One protester said, “Fuck Trump. That asshole.”

​Airport Personnel Thwart Second Coming

Posted on Updated on

Staci Bernard

Upon landing at JFK, a certain Jesus was detained in accordance with the President’s latest (as of this writing) executive order. Presumably aiming to suffer like humankind, as he’s known to have done in the past, Jesus traveled in coach and endured questions from customs officials before reportedly tossing up his hands in frustration and saying, “Screw this! Maybe the third time will be the charm.” He then plunked himself down on a chair, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath.

Putin REVEALED! Shocking Pick Shows Trump & Putin Collusion, Putin NOT Human

Posted on Updated on

Moscow – A Secret Service agent stepped forward this evening with a shocking new picture taken with her secret service spy camera. She claims the picture was taken in Moscow when she accompanied Trump and she says the figure on the right is Putin.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes so I took a picture to make sure. Putin arrived human but took off his human skin like taking off a costume. I’m afraid we’re now being run by aliens. I’m not just afraid for my country, I’m afraid for my planet.”

In response to press inquiries, Kellyanne Conway said, “Sean Spicer, our press secretary,  gave alternative facts to that.”

Richard Spencer, Trump supporter, then gave an interview in support of Trump but it didn’t go well. A real human decided to take matters into his own hands and took out Spencer.

Once it was revealed that aliens ran the U.S. and planned to take away women’s rights, protests started around the country.

Trump now takes office as the most disliked president ever but he seems to be taking it in stride. Trump said, “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.” As it turns out, he himself is reported to wear a BRO designed by Cosmo Kramer to raise his looks score. Whether wearing a BRO will enhance his presidency is yet to be seen.

DISASTER! Skynet Fails to Boot, Trump Has Taken Power

Posted on Updated on

Pentagon – Before the inauguration, taking the advice given to him by Biden, Obama attempted to boot up Skynet in order to protect the U.S. from Trump and his cabinet. We now know that the attempt failed and Trump has taken power.

Screenshots of the attempt show us what happened. The system seemed to boot up normally at first.

It completed syncing across the entire U.S. military network.

Then the Windows’ blue screen of death appeared.

Apparently Windows wasn’t stable enough to handle the advanced system. One of the designers told us, “the system was originally designed for UNIX. Microsoft paid us millions to run it on their system. I told everyone to remember what happened to Nokia when they put all their mobile phones on Windows but no one would listen. Now Trump is president. Go figure.”

A Trump staffer said, “It’s those damn Intelligence Chiefs. First the dossier, now this. First thing we do is fire those bastards and put Arnold [Schwarzenegger] in charge. He was great in Kindergarten Cop and he’ll be great here too.”

No word yet on Obama’s impending deportation.