Latest Event Updates
Moscow – A Trump staffer released a statement while in Moscow today. It stated the United States of America will now be known as the United States Soviet Republic or USSR.
At the same moment, Putin appeared on Russian TV announcing that Russia will change back to their old name United Soviet Socialist Republic or USSR.
At Trump Tower, the press is demanding a statement from Trump to clarify what this all means. The doorman came out with a piece of paper that simply read, “A new beginning.”
Trump Tower – When Trump was told he’d be Time’s Person of the Year he was outraged. We asked one of his cabinet members why.
“Trump believes that, while he was the greatest man by far in 2016, he was not the greatest person. He feels that honor goes to Elisabeth Warren. Big league.” When asked why she said, “He feels she bested him on Twitter.”
In response, an Elisabeth Warren staffer tweeted, “Delete your account.
Washington D.C. – In a very strange turn of events, Trump’s team announced they have new evidence showing Obama was born in Kenya and will be deported back as soon as the inauguration is completed.
When one insider was asked to provide evidence the insider said, “It’s huge. It’s totally credible. But it’s classified. [FBI Director] Comey has it.” Trump made the announcement that the long form birth certificate is a fraud via Twitter.
Oz – Trump supporters took to the streets last night walking down Yellow Brick Rd. in the tens of thousands while painting swastikas the entire way.
We asked what they were hoping to achieve by marching in the street. One supporter said, “I need a brain. Trump promised us that we can get them from a wizard down the road. Come to think of it, he said this road was made of gold bricks but it’s just broken pavement painted yellow…damn.”
We called the wizard to get a comment for this story but unfortunately the phone number was disconnected.
@Google – In an unprecedented move by an incoming president, Trump purchased Google today. A member of the Trump team said the purchase was spurred by the need to ban beertap.tv from being found.
“We’re launching Trump TV and we don’t want any competition. That’s why we made sure that our service is referenced at the top of the search.”
An inquiry has been made to Google but so far there’s been no response. When asked how he felt, Joe Beertap said, “huh?”
Trump University – The NYT received emails from an anonymous source late yesterday. The emails were originally sent by Trump to each elector offering the entire Electoral College free trips to any of Trump’s properties around the world.
The only caveat was that to receive their trips they had to vote for him. A Trump insider said, “Don’s getting nervous. More and more Republican electors are stating they won’t vote for him. He’s even gone so far as to offer them teaching jobs at Trump University. Considering there aren’t any students it’s a cushy gig.”
Trump at one point tweeted that the Electoral College was a disaster. He’s since changed his mind now that they are going to put him into office. “No matter how much it costs Trump in fake payroll and world class trips, he’ll make 1000 times that amount having his companies work the trillions of dollars in government contracts. Why else would he say he is going to rebuild the country’s roads, bridges, and other infrastructure? He’s saying it because his companies want those contracts. Period.”
It’s unclear at this time how many electors have taken him up on his offer.
Trump Tower – Trump insiders have declared a victory today. Trump himself has successfully opened a liberal Twitter account.
Insiders say he was tired of being blocked. “He couldn’t record their [liberal Twitter users] information and put them on his enemies list. Now he records their information and then blocks them! You have to keep in mind this is one of the ways we make ‘murica great again.”
When asked why he posed as a farmer she said, “He lives in the city. It’s a perfect cover.”