Latest Event Updates
Bowling Green, Sweden – In an odd move, President Trump signed an Executive Order stripping Mohammad Ali of his US citizenship.
ICEs immediately moved to deport the famous boxer. One source at ICEs stated, “We sent a team to his last known residence but he wasn’t there. The people living there just kept saying he’s dead. He can’t hide forever. We’ll find him.”
In an effort to find Ali, ICEs detained his son at an airport in Florida but were unable to discover Ali’s whereabouts.
In other news, Frederick Douglass is still at large.
Bowling Green, KY – At 1 am ET Sunday morning Trump signed an Executive Order demanding Twitter blur unflattering pics of him. Twitter caved and immediately started blurring his pictures. Twitter users woke up to find their pictures of Trump unviewable.
It is suspected that Trump couldn’t sleep after watching SNL and needed an Executive Order to relax himself. Twitter users were thrilled as they were tired of seeing him. One Twitter user stated, “Thank God. All those double chins and baby hands were making me sick.”
Bowling Green, KY – Tragic. Most Americans never thought they’d see this day. 42 white radicalized Christian men showed up to a Trump protest and laid down gun fire.
Over 200 protesters were killed. Brian Williams of NBC News appeared on the scene right before the gun fire started and was nearly killed nine times.
Earlier in the day a Michigan GOP official called for the execution of the protesters. Apparently Trump supporters were listening.
Vigils and protests were held across the country for the victims.
A plaque has already been installed at the sight of the massacre.
In a statement, the Trump administration’s Kellyanne Conway has stated the massacre didn’t occur. No charges have yet been leveled against any of the shooters. Some people are calling for a ban of all white Christian NRA and GOP members stating that the risk they’ll be radicalized and kill citizens is too great to allow them into the country.
The polar ice caps are melting. Measles and mumps are on the rise. Innocent bears are accused of threatening school children. What’s a scientist to do?
Pat Kearney and Riley Morgan, physicists at Calford University have an idea: time travel. “Eighties fashion is back,” noted Kearney, “and so is fifties legislation. That got me thinking. . . .”
“Not to mention the Back to the Future marathon,” added Morgan. “I notice something new every time I see those movies!”
Unlike other areas of science, quantum physics seems to have stayed under the Trump administration’s radar, so to speak. “We haven’t worked out all the details,” said Morgan, “but when we do, they’ll be big league!”
The more subdued Kearny added, “Now that humanities and arts budgets are being cut, we won’t get as much flack as usual. ‘This is why you shouldn’t clone dinosaurs.’ ‘This is why you shouldn’t make a human being out of parts of other human beings.’ We couldn’t do anything without some movie or book or philosopher or theologian spoiling our fun. Now though. . . .”
Now, though, only time will tell.
WCTU, December 5, 1933, Realitybites, OZ –
President Donald J. Trump made history today signing an Executive Order banning Muslims and women from voting. After the signing he declared Prohibition over.
Immediately white men packed bars and ran to the passing beer trucks in an effort to get extremely drunk.
They quickly spent their wives entire paychecks and drove home drunk to beat their wives.
Women reacted quickly running out to protest the Executive Order and then go shopping. When their debit and credit cards declined they protested again.
One protester said, “Fuck Trump. That asshole.”
Upon landing at JFK, a certain Jesus was detained in accordance with the President’s latest (as of this writing) executive order. Presumably aiming to suffer like humankind, as he’s known to have done in the past, Jesus traveled in coach and endured questions from customs officials before reportedly tossing up his hands in frustration and saying, “Screw this! Maybe the third time will be the charm.” He then plunked himself down on a chair, shaking his head and muttering something under his breath.
Moscow – A Secret Service agent stepped forward this evening with a shocking new picture taken with her secret service spy camera. She claims the picture was taken in Moscow when she accompanied Trump and she says the figure on the right is Putin.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes so I took a picture to make sure. Putin arrived human but took off his human skin like taking off a costume. I’m afraid we’re now being run by aliens. I’m not just afraid for my country, I’m afraid for my planet.”
In response to press inquiries, Kellyanne Conway said, “Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that.”
Richard Spencer, Trump supporter, then gave an interview in support of Trump but it didn’t go well. A real human decided to take matters into his own hands and took out Spencer.
Once it was revealed that aliens ran the U.S. and planned to take away women’s rights, protests started around the country.
Trump now takes office as the most disliked president ever but he seems to be taking it in stride. Trump said, “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.” As it turns out, he himself is reported to wear a BRO designed by Cosmo Kramer to raise his looks score. Whether wearing a BRO will enhance his presidency is yet to be seen.