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Trump Rigs Georgia 6th District Congressional Election, Destroys I-85 and I-20

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I-20 above, I-85 below

A source in the Trump administration has verified that President Trump, in his concern over losing the Georgia 6th District Congressional seat, held by Republicans for decades, to a Democrat, has purposefully damaged Atlanta’s highway system in order to keep people from making it back from work in time to vote.

“Trump believes that, if enough damage is done to the infrastructure of Atlanta, poor working Americans won’t have the time to vote due to the traffic. He spent huge amounts of taxpayer money to make this happen. We have our fingers crossed.”

Trump admitted to his plan in a tweet earlier today.

Representative John Lewis is leading the charge to start an investigation. More updates coming on this breaking story…

Trump & Putin Break Up! Trump Taking It Out On Assad

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On March 30th, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley said, “You pick and choose your battles. And when we’re looking at this, it’s about changing up priorities and our priority is no longer to sit and focus and getting Assad out.” 

But that’s back when Trump and Putin looked like this:

Since Trump and Putin had their tiff and broke up things have been teste to say the least.

A source inside the White House told us, “Our fight was huge. Big league. He kept coming to Mar-a-Lago, drinking all the vodka in the mini-bar, and then he’d pass out and pee in the bed. I told him I didn’t like sleeping in puddles but he wouldn’t listen.”

At our sources request, we aren’t mentioning his name. Since then Trump has gone on a rampage, bombing Syria, taking on Russian war ships, and sending a strike force to North Korea. He recently tweeted that he’s going to attack Egypt.

Today Ambassador Haley said, “So they [Putin] now have to answer for this! How can they with a straight face cover for Assad, because if they’re covering for Assad then what are they really saying!?…There’s a lot of answers that need to come from Russia [Putin].” 

She went on to say that regime change in Syria is a top priority. 

Putin put out a statement saying, “I’m sorry my love that I broke your heart but it’s over. Please move on.”

Clinton INDICTED! F.B.I Director Comey Presses Charges

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April 1, 2017

Today FBI Director Comey formally announced he is indicting Secretary Clinton. The charges stem from her criminal activities in the Benghazi debacle, collusion with Russia, releasing Top Secret information on her private email server, Whitewater, murdering Vince Foster, rigging the 2016 Democratic Primary, flip flopping on issues to look more progressive, conspiring with Wall Street, making hateful and bigoted statements about President Obama during the 2008 Democratic Primary, calling black teenagers super predators, working with David Brock on her presidential campaign, and setting up President Clinton to make it look like he had sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky. 

Comey announced he will have more details later today and will be doing a special interview with Hannity on Fox News at 10:00 PM / 9:00 PM CT this evening.

More news to follow as it happens…

Trump vs. Ali! Executive Order Strips Famous Boxer of his Citizenship

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Bowling Green, Sweden – In an odd move, President Trump signed an Executive Order stripping Mohammad Ali of his US citizenship.

ICEs immediately moved to deport the famous boxer. One source at ICEs stated, “We sent a team to his last known residence but he wasn’t there. The people living there just kept saying he’s dead. He can’t hide forever. We’ll find him.”

In an effort to find Ali, ICEs detained his son at an airport in Florida but were unable to discover Ali’s whereabouts. 

In other news, Frederick Douglass is still at large.

Trump v. Twitter! Signs Executive Order Requiring Twitter to Blur Pics Trump Doesn’t Like

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Bowling Green, KY – At 1 am ET Sunday morning Trump signed an Executive Order demanding Twitter blur unflattering pics of him. Twitter caved and immediately started blurring his pictures. Twitter users woke up to find their pictures of Trump unviewable.

It is suspected that Trump couldn’t sleep after watching SNL and needed an Executive Order to relax himself. Twitter users were thrilled as they were tired of seeing him. One Twitter user stated, “Thank God. All those double chins and baby hands were making me sick.”

Bowling Green Massacre! White NRA Christian Trump Supporters Kill 200+ Trump Protesters!

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Bowling Green, KY – Tragic. Most Americans never thought they’d see this day. 42 white radicalized Christian men showed up to a Trump protest and laid down gun fire.

Over 200 protesters were killed. Brian Williams of NBC News appeared on the scene right before the gun fire started and was nearly killed nine times.

Earlier in the day a Michigan GOP official called for the execution of the protesters. Apparently Trump supporters were listening.

Vigils and protests were held across the country for the victims.

A plaque has already been installed at the sight of the massacre.

In a statement, the Trump administration’s Kellyanne Conway has stated the massacre didn’t occur. No charges have yet been leveled against any of the shooters. Some people are calling for a ban of all white Christian NRA and GOP members stating that the risk they’ll be radicalized and kill citizens is too great to allow them into the country.

It’s about Time

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Staci Bernard

The polar ice caps are melting. Measles and mumps are on the rise. Innocent bears are accused of threatening school children. What’s a scientist to do?

Pat Kearney and Riley Morgan, physicists at Calford University have an idea: time travel. “Eighties fashion is back,” noted Kearney, “and so is fifties legislation. That got me thinking. . . .”

“Not to mention the Back to the Future marathon,” added Morgan. “I notice something new every time I see those movies!”

Unlike other areas of science, quantum physics seems to have stayed under the Trump administration’s radar, so to speak. “We haven’t worked out all the details,” said Morgan, “but when we do, they’ll be big league!”

The more subdued Kearny added, “Now that humanities and arts budgets are being cut, we won’t get as much flack as usual. ‘This is why you shouldn’t clone dinosaurs.’ ‘This is why you shouldn’t make a human being out of parts of other human beings.’ We couldn’t do anything without some movie or book or philosopher or theologian spoiling our fun. Now though. . . .”

Now, though, only time will tell.